IFS Writing Drill coherent story Discussion

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  • Rewrite the following account into a coherent story half as long as the original.
  • Put facts in a cohesive order, without losing any essentials. Follow AP Style where possible/necessary.

After he lost control of his late-model automobile when a butterfly flew into his face, Thomas Fitzpatrick, who is 38 years old and who lives at 2467 Tokay Lane, crashed into a large plate glass window of a Middletown supermarket this afternoon at about noon and completely destroyed two cash register stands, 35 grocery carts and a giant display of insect repellent spray cans.

Fitzpatrick, a plumber who works for the Chase Co., reportedly was not hurt, according to police officers at the scene. But there was substantial damage to the E-Z Shop Market, which is located at 428 Hoover Avenue. Market manager Joe Albertson said he estimated the damage at around $30,000 after he made a preliminary estimate.

Fitzpatrick’s car, a 1995 Audi Turbo, was totally demolished beyond repair. However, no supermarket patrons were injured, according to police reports. In another accident across town, police reported today that Helen Demming’s Corvette Stingray automobile hit a fire hydrant after she lost control of the vehicle. No one was injured, however, according to eyewitnesses. Demming said that she took her hands from the steering wheel of the car (she was driving at the time) when she tried to slap at ants that were crawling around her ankles. The insects were “big and red,” she said. “I was really startled,” said Demming. “You don’t expect to find giant red ants in your car.” The incident happened at 11 a.m. this morning. “The next thing I knew, my car smashed into this fire hydrant,” said Demming, owner of the real estate brokerage of Demming & Walsh Co. “I guess I lost control.” Police said the car received only slight damage buy that several businesses in the 400 block of Madison Ave. in Middletown (where the accident occurred) suffered flooding damage to their basements when storm sewers overflowed from the hydrant runoff. A damage estimate is not complete. Demming is 29 years old. She lives at 1234 Burgundy Street. The crash happened at the corner of Madison and Polk Avenues. (337 words)

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